MAY I WANT NOTHING THAT DOESN’T WANT ME BACK

That's all I cried for

More of what's for me and less of what is not

I spent years sleepwalking beside my destiny, watching myself from a distance, removing this skin when I got home to wrap myself in the depression and the stories that it tells to keep living.

I wake up and I brush the lint and the common sense out of my hair,

I put on the same ole pajamas

Desperation to be touched

So i bare my skin beneath my sheets

And invite them to dance over the the hairs between my thighs

May I want nothing that doesn’t want me back…

I send a few sorries before the moon kisses me goodnight

It cries over my shadow

While i beg strangers to consider where i went wrong when they bruised me

So that they don't have to sleep with the heavy

It’s always been mines

May I want nothing that doesn't want me back

Not even that boy

Not even his eyes where i wrote stories in every cloud that stood to dance in them

I made him human for my enjoyment

And he made me skin for his own

I want to say he used me

But i think i used him first

I needed something to fill the space

And he was just so damn good at it

You know how God made those african boys

With all of the earth wrapped in their skin

And the sky too

You know he put the sun in the palms of their hands

And made my body cold

Just so I could crave the ways they hold me

You know how God made those african boys with all of the potential to be loved

And none of the bandwidth to recognize when it’s finally found them

I want to say he used me

But I think I used him first.

May i want nothing that doesn't want me back

Not even myself

I scrape my tongue after brushing the day out of my teeth

I watch all of the holding fall into the sink

And waste away with the water

I wonder how many of those i should have let out for the day

Maybe that’s why i feel so damn heavy

And so restless

I hold my tongue to keep everything alive except for myself

May I want nothing that doesn't want me back

Not sisters, not friends

Not space, not job,

Not even time.